Beautiful Breakdown
by Louvampyer
Summary: Bare: JasonXPeter, JasonXIvy, PeterXOMC. a series of songfic drabbles I own nothing that take you through Jason's head during his breakdown that is life.


**1. But I Do – I Love You Because**

"I'm barely surviving, why is he driving me insane?"

_If you just don't think about him, it'll go away. No more dreams. They'll stop. _But there's just enough moonlight shining through the window to see his outline. You shouldn't be watching him get undressed. You should be sleeping, like you're pretending to be. But as his shirt is lifted up over his head, his stretches his arms up in such a way, that the moonlight catches on his torso and illuminates each soft curve on his small frame. Your beds aren't that far apart. You think you could reach out and touch him right now, but your hand stays clutched in the fabric of your pillow case, rough as sandpaper when there's something so much softer you want to be touching.

**2. You'll Be In My Heart – Tarzan**

"Just take my hand, hold it tight. I will protect you from all around you."

_This is… wrong._ His voice is just a whisper, like maybe you weren't supposed to hear it. You think, 'it's not wrong. It's just holding hands. It feels too good to be wrong.' So you squeeze his hand tighter, comfortingly, under the table in the library, neither of you looking up from your books. You didn't say anything, but after a moment, you move your hand slightly, from hands cupped, to fingers laced, and out the corner of your eyes, you can see him smile, and you know it's you, and not the book he's reading that put it there. You figure, if anyone ever hurts him, tries to convince him this is wrong, they'll have you to deal with. No one's allowed to take that smile off his face.

**3. Dangerous Game – Jekyll & Hyde**

"At the touch of your hand, at the sound of your voice, at the moment your eyes meet mine. I am out of my mind, I am out of control, full of feelings I can't control."

_Jason… please?_ It's everything. That hand clutching your shirt and holding you _right there_, the lust in his half hooded eyes, the desperation in his voice, like you're the only on in the entire world who can make him feel what he needs to be feeling right now. And there's nothing more you want to give him. Everything. It's what he deserves after all. Your hand rests at the back of his neck, not kissing him, but keeping your eyes locked as you dip your hand lower. His head falls back slightly as your hand reaches it's destination, eyes closing, and the gasp was heavenly wind off his lips. You kiss him lightly, barely touching your lips to his, but there's such a spark in that gentle touch, it doesn't much matter. He thinks he's in the palm of your hand, but no, he has you wrapped around his finger.

**4.Just Not Now – I Love You Because**

"I want so much to say 'okay, I love you too'. I will, but not today. You know. I know you do."

_Just wait for me? _He has to just understand. You're not doing this to hurt him, because it hurts you too. You're just trying to enjoy it while it's here. Because with the world the way it is, you don't know how long you can keep this up. This secret. You've always been a good secret keeper. But now he's adding pressure to it. It was always the most simple thing in the world, to love him. It just came natural. But you're getting older now, and suddenly it's not just about you two. There are other people in the world again for the first time since you found him, and he wants to bring them in closer. Doesn't he get that it won't be the same once people know? Doesn't he know that the shit will totally hit the fan once people know? It won't be just the two of you anymore. It'll be the two of you, and what everyone else thinks of you. You think that one day, that'll be okay with you, but not now. Right now, the world is far away and you can only handle that distance he is. He's close and warm and soft, and you can deal with what he gives you. You want to tell him all this, but you just can't say it. He already knows. He's got to know, otherwise you haven't given him anything at all.

**5. Curiosity – See What I Wanna See**

"Instinct made me run, leaving friends and everyone, to the fire coming my way."

Because… it is wrong. It… It's not working. It needs to end. You keep on the stone cold face, because if you're harsh on the outside, you can protect the inside better. You shouldn't have told him it's wrong. Nothing about being with him was ever wrong. But what are you going to say? That you're a total coward and can't deal with the secret anymore? You thought you could. You thought that getting to hold him at night made everything worth it, but you a poisonous word hissed through the teeth of a snake, and you can't handle it anymore. You watch him crumble, literally fall to the floor. Who can stand when their heart is torn out anyways? You want to take his hand, help him up like you always have, and maybe he's waiting for it too, but you don't. You keep on the stone cold face, because if you're harsh on the outside, you can protect the inside better. There's more than one heart breaking, and you think that's the kind of thing that will get you into hell. Not loving him, but leaving him. But you still walk away.

**6.You Pretty Thing – Gavin Creel**

"Here's my sin you pretty thing. Here's my soul you pretty little lie. Here's my skin you pretty thing. And with a kiss I die."

Don't do it. Walk away right now when it's just a kiss and you can explain it. But she grabs your hand, looking at you in a way that says 'don't go. Right now I need you'. You want to walk away, you do. But right now, with that look in her eyes, you figure you need her too. So instead of walking away, your hands fall to her hips, lifting her tiny frame and setting her on top of the desk. It's oddly not awkward, physically at least. You know what you're doing, years of practice, however misplaced at the moment, but in your head, you have to keep reminding your self of what you're doing to keep it going. _This will fix it. Make anything wrong go away. This is how it feels for everyone else, just do it. God her eyes are beautiful, dark green and deep, but not as deep as the light brown that stretches out forever._ Fuck! _don't think of that! Not of him, not now! Touch her and be just with her. This will work!_ It doesn't work. The moment you pull away, you know it's a first and last, but still you hold her, not the way you held him. She turns in your arms, giving you a small kiss, and your lines run in your head. _ Thus with a kiss, I die. _

**7. Build God, Then we'll Talk – Panic! At the Disco**

**"**Any practiced catholic would cross themselves upon entering."

Bless me Father, for I… that's all I remember… You haven't done this in years. You made the sign of the Holy Trinity across your chest, and you knelt in the confessional, but that's all you remember. You haven't felt the need to confess to anything in years. What did you ever do wrong after all? You kept your grades up, helped your friends and your school, and you've been in love. What's wrong with that? You're told to go on, and that's when you remember. You didn't do anything wrong, but they think you did. No one else understands it, and that's why it's wrong. It's wrong to want to touch him, just because he's a boy. It's wrong to think that he's beautiful, that his smile glows, that his voice was taken from an Angel. They all think it's wrong, and it's getting to you too, because you're starting to think it's wrong too. Maybe… maybe if just one person told you were okay, it would be better. If one person understood that he's the best thing god every created, you would be okay with letting yourself feel it again. But no one here's telling you you're okay. And you believe them when they tell you your wrong.

**8. Coming Undone – Korn**

"Too late, I'm coming undone"

_Peter? Wait…_He's holding you, and for a minute you forget what happened, and it's just him holding you. That's all that matters right? His arms are warm, trying on his own to fight off the chill in your bones. It shouldn't be so cold in here. It's May. But… Your fingers curl at a sharp pain in your stomach, and it's then that you feel the vile in your hand. Something is eating your insides, twisting things up that shouldn't be moving, pulling some kind of virus up into your brain and cracking your skull in two. The arms around you wrap tighter, and it should hurt, but when everything's pulling you apart, he's still there, trying to hold you together after everything. He's crying, your name dripping like sorrow from his lips, and in spite of the million reasons to be screaming, all you can tell him is that you'll be fine. He tried with everything not to let you fall apart, and you want to kiss him one last time, thank him for everything, tell him you're sorry, you love him, but that twisting is in your chest now, gripping your lungs, and no amount of strength is enough to get your lips to his again. That's worse than the pain anywhere else, you think.

**9. Whispering – Spring Awakening**

**"**Hear the ghosts in the moonlight."

Shh, it's okay baby. Mommy's here. Ivy held the child close to her chest, rocking the boy back and forth. The baby had Jason's eyes. Had his nose. She said he had his hair too, but that changes with babies. Ivy still thought he'd grow up to look just like his father. Two years. Just her for nine months, and now this little baby for the rest of two. For a long time, Ivy would wake up when the child was sleeping, watch him, and she would cry. She would cry that her son had no father, because what could she teach this child about the world? She didn't know anything that a little boy would need to know when he went to school, when he made friends, when he grew. She took care of him as best as she could by herself, but when he cried, she worried that he wouldn't stop. He would know, when he got older, what had happened, and Ivy was just sure this pure little thing that fit in the crook of her arm would hate her for it. She never bothered thinking it through logically, that there wasn't much reason to blame her, but it was in her ear when ever that child cried. He was yelling at her, and she didn't know how to fix anything.

**10. Perfect – Julia Murney**

"I see that our impurity makes us who we are."

Happy September Jason. Peter grew up. It was a hard thing to do, to move on, to go to school without Jason, to sleep without him. Peter had cuddled a pillow to his chest for a year after Jason died, every night, just to have something to wrap his arms around. But still, Peter had grown up, lived. Jason wouldn't have wanted him to die too. Today, he stood on the porch of his home. His home, with a man he had let himself fall in love with, with the little girl that man had come with, and he loved them both with all his heart. He didn't forget Jason, not ever, but he hadn't let himself die at the memory either. The wind wrapped around him on that cool September morning. He smiled at it, letting it kiss his cheeks and hands and bare arms. For this day, he smiled at Jason's memory, loved him for what they had, and forgave him for what they didn't.


End file.
